I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
