I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
