Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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