oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
