mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
