So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In other news, I just burned my penis
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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