I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
