She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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