Got a toothbrush?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
