im drinking this country out of the recession.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
