a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
