Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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