We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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