I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
high people should be assigned attendants
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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