Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
