eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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