I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
