just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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