totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
