You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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