she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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