3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
okay pat passed out under dana's car
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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