I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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