My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
