I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
