every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
