i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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