he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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