if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
