My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
