Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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