oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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