Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
