why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
