no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
