Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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