Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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