wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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