$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
