paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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