wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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