I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
