I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
