Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
