Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Randomize
