I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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