and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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