I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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