She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
