My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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