dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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