The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
