Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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